every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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