sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
