Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize