we made out on top of his cat.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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