Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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