Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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