i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize