are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
