I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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