She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
