I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
