She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
