So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
