My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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