I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
