you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
