I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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