I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
