Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize