I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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