Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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