Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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