Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
