last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
