I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
