On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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