he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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