The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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