Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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