Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
