i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
