I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
