my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize