I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
