Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
