Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
