where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
