just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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