Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize