He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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