my phone needs a breathalizer
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize