The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
