That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
