The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
