he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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