nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
