my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
