His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
