this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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