How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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