If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
