Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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