I think my fart just growled at me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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