I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
