he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
