last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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