I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
