I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
