Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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